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Wine: How classy people get trashed.
Dang I didn`t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
I swear, if my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party.
Similarities between BRA and BAR 1. Both have similar letters 2. Both are drinking zones 3. When both opened men go crazy "prove me wrong"
Somebody has to be awesome…might as well be me.
My parents say its their house, but when its time to clean it magically becomes my house too.
I can`t believe The Stones are still doing it after all these years. Someday I want to have a marriage like Fred and Wilma.
With all the technology available now, you’d think they’d have found a way to grow apples without those little stickers.
Loneliness is when your sleeve unrolls itself while washing dishes and you try to roll it back up with your face.
Proposing to a woman isn`t like choosing a life-long business partner. It`s more like hiring your own boss.
If women ran the world we wouldn’t have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says "declined" whenever you use it.
I hate getting my picture taken. Especially in front of a height chart at the police station.
Don`t tell me to make myself at home if you don`t want me to drop my pants and download porn on your computer.
If you can`t say something nice about someone, you probably know the same people I do.