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I`ve disappointed a lot of people in my life, you`re not special.
"mommy watch this!" is the toddler equivalent of "hold my beer and watch this"
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with "I got the live bees you sent, they`ll do nicely"
I`ve started an elimination diet, It`s where I eliminate anyone from my life who talks about their diet.
Ok, I admit. Everything that`s wrong in your life is your fault.
Sex is like pizza, if you`re going to use bbq sauce you better know what the f*ck you`re doing
Orion`s Belt is a huge waist of space.
My therapist says I am too preoccupied by vengeance.... We`ll see about that.
If you`re in a hole, stop digging...
You make me feel "I`m-typing-this-with-my-middle-finger" angry.
Don’t break anyone’s heart; they only have one. Break they’re bones. They have over 200 of them.
Spent 40 minutes on the treadmill this morning. Next time I might turn it on.
The sooner one of you ladies takes ‘one for the team’ and becomes my girlfriend, they sooner I leave the REST of you alone!
If 3 people have sex, it`s called a 3-some. If 2 people have sex, it`s called a 2-some. I guess we now know why they call you HAND-some.