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I`m getting a mistletoe tramp stamp.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions
What doesn`t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
Remember if you ask me to put sun lotion on your back, I am definitely drawing something dirty while I`m back there.
Facebook prank #23 Go in everynight and change your birthday to the next day...then see how long it takes for people to catch on....
Slow dancing with a fat girl? More like moving a fridge by yourself.
There are no problems which cannot be solved through suitable application of high explosives.
I can`t be the only one who thinks "Game on, mother f*cker" when I see an air freshner in a bathroom.
You don`t have to dress like you`re a handbag, unless you are Lady Gaga.
The best part about going to Wal-Mart is having the book aisles all to yourself.
People who have more than 10 items in the express line… We see you and we are judging you.
Fruit cocktail is the most disappointing of all the cocktails.
I would just like to personal thank all the people in my life that have caused me so many problems, for making me the as$ I am today!
Behind every good selfie is approximately 47 nearly identical pictures that didn`t make the cut.
It`s not "you`re" or "your". It`s mine. It`s all mine, everything is mine!