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DAMN! I`m so drunk that I cooked a pizza for 450 minutes at 15 degrees.
Stress balls work really well when you shove them down someone`s throat.
Thank you Super Bowl for reminding all Americans how bad we really are at understanding Roman numerals
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
Some days there just isn`t enough give-a-damn.
I`m not saying I can perform miracles or anything, but when the Taco Bell employee isn`t looking,, I can turn water into Sprite.
I could write an entire book on excuses,,, but I have to pick my grandma up at the airport.
Anybody wanna go halfsies on an orgasm?
I don`t know why I think I could survive the Zombie Apocalypse, I cant even handle the puff of air at the eye doctor.
Who called them expiration dates instead of spoiler alerts
I got kicked out of a Yoga class today. Apparently, your not supposed to do the `Downward Dog` on top of another person.
…and for my next trick, I will pull this dryer sheet out of my sleeve!
They`re having a Jamaican hair-do day tomorrow at work. I`m dreading it.
If my ceiling fan could hold my weight, I would never be bored again.
The point is... Is Imma hug you like a panda nd you`re gunna like it.!(: