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The only "B" word you should call a woman is "beautiful"... B!tches love being called beautiful.
I tend to say “I don’t know” when I’m too lazy to think.
No, I would not like to know what fruit my body is shaped like.
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he`ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
I`m placing myself in "time-out" until I`m able to play nice with others! This may take a few hours as there are stupid people everywhere!
Billion dollar idea: A phone that charges using body fat!
If I`m not in bed by 11PM, then I go home.
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It`s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
Hey guy in the car behind me... Honking your horn isn`t going to help me type any faster.
Go home Polar Vortex....yer drunk.
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
Note to self: you never read these notes so stop writing them.
You`re not unlucky. Bad things happen to you because you`re a dumba$$.
"Be strong" I whisper to my coffee.
I`m pretty sober, but I`m prettier drunk.