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Breaking News: Tuesdays suck just as much as Mondays.
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, "Guess how many fingers."
I had the urge to clean my place today so I laid down until the urge went away.
I feel like a piece of corn in the digestive tract of life ~ I`m going through a lot of crap but I`m sure I`ll come out whole.
I made a chicken salad today... The little bastard didn`t even eat it.
Just got a new phone. Pretty pissed all my contacts were not lost.
Folding laundry with a toddler is like trying to straighten a desk full of papers while a fan blows on it.
Like a stoned man once said, I can`t remember.
No one is as ugly as their driver`s license, and nobody is attractive as their profile picture.
A moment of silence to all the kids who can’t wait to become a teenager because they think it’s fun..
If I knew how to backflip, I`d never walk anywhere.
Unplug the copier at work & put a sign on it that says “now voice activated!” Sit back & watch the magic unfold.
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn`t met me yet
STD`s aren`t like pokémon, your not suppose to catch`em all!