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I bought a blowup doll today, but I won`t blow her up until tomorrow. I don`t want to seem desperate.
Lottery gives you a 1 in 200M chance of skipping work tomorrow...alcohol is 1 in 5. You play your game...I`ll play mine
With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.
How to break up with someone: You: Your ex is attractive. Partner: Which one? You: ME. You: BYEEEE
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if it at least moved a vacuum around the floors once a week.
Guess what I saw today ... Everything I looked at. ;)
Don`t worry, some people are their own punishment in life.
A clean house is the sign of a broken computer !
If you respond to coworkers asking how your weekend was with turkey noises, they leave you alone.
I ran into a dwarfs car this morning and he come up to me and said "I`m not happy!" And I said we`ll which one are you then
I hav 10 fingers bt i usd only.. the thumb to write this...!
There are people on Facebook who don`t realize the difference between "What`s on your mind" or "I should talk to a therapist about this"
Guys be like, "Lets play 21 question." Girl: Ok, what`s your favorite color? Boy: Triangle, so you a virgin?
Women with big breasts... ...can get a taxi on the worst days ...have a neat place to carry spare change ...have always been the center of the arts (art) ...make jogging a spectator sport ...can keep a magazine dry while laying in the tub ...have more negotiating power (with men shorter than them) ...usually can find leftover popcorn after a movie ...can always carry a little extra ...always float better ...know where to look first for lost earrings ...rarely lack for a slow dance partner ...hav
be smart, pretend to be stupid!