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If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
If my computer desktop were an actual place, they would bring in blindfolded people to make a Febreeze commercial.
I’ve robbed banks before and they’re never getting their pens back.
Divorce is expensive because its worth it.
You know you`re getting older when you play GTA and spend 3 hours just walking around the map trying to find where you parked your car.
It’s impossible to bring up life insurance with your spouse without it seeming like you plan to have them whacked.
Just because I`m awake doesn`t mean I`m ready to do things
Ya know once the toothpaste is out of the tube, it´s hard to get it back in.
Don`t sugar-coat it, I`ll just lick that off....
I`m gonna hang a Batman costume in my closet just to screw with myself when I get Alzheimer`s.
The saddest thing about St. Patrick`s Day is taking down all my Christmas decorations.
Happy Fathers Day from your handsomerist and smarterist son
When I count calories it involves a bunch of multiplication.
Apparently when your girlfriend says "f*ck that bitch", you`re not supposed to take her seriously.
The only difference between McDonald`s and my work is McDonald`s has only got one clown running the show.