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I downloaded this app called "Hide & Go Seek". Ever since then I cant find my damn phone.
I used to have a tremendous sex drive. My girlfriend lived 150 miles away
Dear Graduates: Congratulations on making it through the easiest part of your life!
Why do medications always have side effects like `anal leakage` & `suicidal thoughts`? Why not `invisibility` or `spontaneous orgasms`?
A yawn is a silent scream for coffee!
I think for Halloween I am going to go as Karma. Some of you should be worried.
One day, I`m gonna wait for the Wal-Mart greeter to go on a bathroom break, step in their place, and begin welcoming everyone to K-mart.
that awkward moment when your pulling the covers up and hit yourself in the damn face !!!
Searching Netflix is almost more of an activity than watching a movie on Netflix.
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn`t much, but the reception was excellent.
Someday, somewhere, somehow Iām going to do something.
My inner child has a bottle of vodka in one hand, a whip in the other and a broken halo sticking out of her back pocket.
for those people out there who don`t know me, congrats your not a facebook addict
Surveys say 1 out of every 2 people suck at math. It`s terrible that 80% of the population can`t even do the easiest calculations.
The best thing about weed is it teaches you that it`s okay to take 35 minutes to make a sandwich