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I bought a Christmas tree today and the guy asked me `Will you be putting it up yourself?` I told him, `No, you sicko, it`s going in the living room!`
Edward Cullen is extremely pale due to the lack of light in the closet.
Teens today have it so easy. We didn`t have self-checkout lanes when we bought condoms.
I don`t always drink beer. But when I do, I always lie about not always drinking beer.
It`s hard to compliment a fake person without lying.
Ladies, when it comes to stalking, I`m 100% behind you.
Saw a flying saucer today. It appeared right after the flying cup that my wife threw at me.
I just realized that the only time I`m good at dancing is when I`m about to pee my pants
Dodgeball, but with random people who don`t know that they are playing..............
I`m happy, but not "Oprah just told me to look under my chair" happy.
*Knocks on door* Hey open up. You didn`t reply to my last 43 inbox messages & then you updated about a guy who keeps annoying you. You need help?
When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it’s $4.95 a minute.
You have no idea how funny I am to me.
I`ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
I’m always disappointed when a liar’s pants don’t actually catch on fire.