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If I had a time machine, I’d probably just use it so I wouldn’t have to throw out so many bananas.
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it`s there to stab potential taco thieves.
Not to brag, but I`m pretty good in bed. I don`t snore or steal covers, and I only pee if something startles me.
"What did you do today?" "I text messaged." :)
"I have no idea. Why don`t you just Google it?" —My answer to just about every question I`m ever asked
The three most terrifying words a woman can utter to a man are "notice anything different?"
Just watched The Grey. The wolves left half the Mexican .. to spicy??
There’d be less accidents if there was a texting lane.
People who peel the entire banana before eating it must be the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
Not to brag, but my bathroom floor is so clean I can sleep on it. Apparently.
Iwent to Office Max to buy a drawing board, but they were sold out. I guess it`s back to the....oh rats...
You have no idea how funny I am to me.
We’ll be friends until we’re old and senile. Then we’ll be new friends all over again.
If Wendy`s think their square burgers are so awesome, why don`t they use square buns?
Look!!! I am always here for you no matter what,OK? unless there is something good on tv or I`m eating pie