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Note To Self: Even if someone really needs it, strangling them is still illegal.
The only time my wife will ever scream "DEEPER, DEEPER" is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
Republicans are red, Democrats are blue. The government is shut down cause neither one gives a damn about you.
Nothing is quite so annoying as to have someone go right on talking when you`re interrupting!
My wife was out of town, so I had to run the morning routine by myself today. I learned a lot. For example, apparently I have two kids.
That awkward moment when your parents don’t appreciate the hilarious child they have.
Not sure yet why this cookie dough has baking instructions on the package.
Driving to work would be so much better if I didn’t always end up at work.
I may be crazy but I say if you can`t talk to yourself, who can you talk to.
Porn is a lot like yoga pants. Not everybody should be in them.
Homes are 750 square feet larger today than they were 30 years ago. Unfortunately, so are most Americans.
Unless your name is “Google”, stop acting as if you know everything!
Day Light savings this weekend is pissing me off, we will lose a hour we will never get back...........wait...thinkin`.....I guess we do....carry on...
Not to brag, but I still owe Blockbuster $2.00 for not rewinding Weekend at Bernies.
I was at the hospital earlier today and saw a cute girl with a cast on her leg. Naturally, my first thought was "Hey, this one can`t run away..."