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America: Where stairs are only used for emergency escape purposes.
No thanks, alcohol free mouthwash, my life is depressing enough.
I just found out cock fighting is done with roosters and now it feels like this 6 months of training has been wasted.
Is it too early for extra nog in my egg?
Progress is made by lazy people looking for an easier way to do things
I wish the buck stopped here…I could use a few.
I overheard 2 girls say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
Teacher: Why are you late!? Me: There was a man who lost a $100 bill..Teacher: That’s nice. Were you helping him look for it? Me: No, I was standing on it until he f*cked off.
Apparently my socks never remember “The Buddy System” whenever I wash them.
If you see me laughing like a crazy person, think nothing of it ..it`s just the voices in my head telling me jokes!
I`m absolutely nailing this "I give a sh!t" face today!
To a musician, a g-string means something completely different than it does to me. .
Girls these days be like `I wanna get the Double Ristretto Venti Half-Soy Nonfat Decaf Organic Chocolate Brownie Iced Vanilla Double-Shot Gingerbread Frappuccino Extra Hot With Foam Whipped Cream Upside Down Double Blended, One Sweet`N Low and One Nutrasweet, and Ice tan look`
The boss keeps talking about a company 401k … I don’t think I can run that far!
My friend bought some new floral underwear today. I asked her why she bought `floral` underwear to which she replied "its in memory of all the faces that have been buried there".