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Do not read the next sentence. You little rebel, that`s why I like you.
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
I`m really good at acting like I`m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
I love my six-pack so much, I protect it with a layer of fat.
Don´t believe all the rumours you hear about me, the truth is much worse.
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine - I’d worship him too.
Christmas is all about getting your entire dysfunctional family under one roof, hoping the cops don`t get called and nobody gets arrested.
The problem with the general public is that it`s made of people.
Make your day more fun by going up to a stranger and asking "Hey, how have you been since the amnesia?"
OH I´m sorry! I didn´t realise you were giving me a dirty look. I just thought you were ugly like that all the time!
I will pay good money to anyone who can take me from work, make it look like an abduction and tuck me back into bed.
Ladies, wonder if he`s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
Taking a nap is always so risky like when will I wake up -- In 30 minutes? In 3 hours? In 9 years? No one can ever be sure.
Elevator music bothers me on so many levels