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Mosquito (noun) - Mother Nature`s way of getting you to slap yourself.
Guy on plane : So, where are you going to? Me : I`m guessing it`s the same place you`re going.
If I had a nickel for everytime I told myself I`d quit smoking, I could buy a lot more cigarettes
Oh look, it`s raining outside. I think I`ll go on Facebook and update all my friends that don`t have a window of their own.
Yesterday was international ninja day and I didn`t even know. Well played ninja day, well played.
I chose the wrong fork in the road, took the road less travelled and got off the beaten path and now I don`t know where the hell I am.
Getting back with your ex is pretty much the same as taking a shower, getting out, and putting back on the same old dirty underwear.
I was gonna call you... but I`m still sober.
Please don`t make me choose between you and porn.
The bouncer from my local nightclub calls me Macaulay Culkin because I always go home alone.
I did all I can do. I can´t do no more
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth ... and drink all the vodka inside ... It seems to help
I`m not opposed to manscaping, but I don`t see the point of cutting the grass until somebody takes interest in the property.
I have a drinking problem. When I tilt my head back to take a drink, I can’t see my computer screen.
Sometimes I drive between lanes and pretend my car is Pacman gobbling up the dashed lines.