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I swear I`m allergic to alcohol. Every time I drink I seem to break out in handcuffs.
Saw my Ex with some guy at a bar last night... so I ordered a beer, took a few sips then gave her date the rest of my drink... Walked away.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
Online dating is like shopping for a car online... show me the carfax!! I wanna see the history!
If you have to ask if it`s too early to drink wine...You`re an amateur and we can`t be friends.
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous ... You`re practically begging for typos.
When I squeeze a tube of `whitening toothpaste` and it’s blue, I’m like, well this is off to a bad start.
Just about the time I started to give a crap, my attitude became constipated......
You`d think he`d be better at this with all the porn he watches
I hope these environmentally friendly toilets save at least 3x the water because that’s how many times I need to flush.
The best part about going to Wal-Mart is having the book aisles all to yourself.
Sorry I said "What is it?" when you showed me your baby.
And the day after Christmas has revealed that the holiday is just an elaborate ruse to get you home to fix your parents computer problems.
Why is it called Boob Sweat and not Humiditties?
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