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Redneck word of the day: Twerk "Imma have one more beer then imma get back twerk!"
If I’ve offended you, please accept my apology. Then smack yourself in the face for getting offended by something on the Internet.
If you feel down because you had a bad day! Chin up! Tomorrow is another day and the worst has yet to come!
If you want to get me to do something, bribery does work.
You know the road is in bad shape when you drive to the grocery store and your fitbit registers 1,000 steps.
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
Humans claim to be the superior species, but a penguin can use its own body as a toboggan so who`s the real winner?
Always bring a stopwatch to church, guys. You want the girl that spends the longest amount of time in confession.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying "get a load of this guy" every time someone walked in
If you`re buying Smart Water for 4$ a bottle,, I`m sorry to tell you it`s not working
Personal trainer said we`re going to try some dips today. I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese...He hates me.
It`s the little things in life that count, like pills.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I fart in my sleep.
Just tried to put my seatbelt on ... at my desk ... I`m pretty.
is giving everyone permission to steal, and use this status.