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People reckon I´m too patronizing (that means I treat them as if they´re stupid).
Another day, another chance to make someone say, "Oh, now that`s just WRONG"...
My wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can`t see the mailbox when she`s backing up?
I drink because people talk.
I`m not lying, I`m just making the story better.
In my experience, most arguments are caused by a misunderstanding of the fact that I’m right.
I can’t even imagine the self control required to work at a bubble wrap factory.
If by self-help you mean helping myself to all the liquor in your cabinet... Then yeah... I`m about as self-helpful as they come.
Roses are red. Monsters are green. Just look in the mirror. You`ll know what I mean.
I stay up late every night and realize it was a bad idea every morning.
Tip of the day: Don`t piss off anyone who has unlimited access to your toothbrush.
I watched my first porn movie today. I looked so much younger back then.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
I once had a goldfish that could break-dance on carpet, but only for like 20 seconds...