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Dear food, Either stop being so delicious or stop making me fat.
If running away from my problems counts as exercise then yes, I work out a lot.
They say swearing is due to limited vocabulary. I know thousands of words, but I still prefer`f*ck off` to `go away`.
The real trouble with reality is that there´s no background music
Some things are better left unsaid...That`s usually the stuff I blurt out right away.
I saw a chameleon today. I guess it was a pretty crappy chameleon.
My life is just one long improvisation.
Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
A word to the wise isn`t necessary - it`s the stupid ones that need the advice.
Wind chimes? I can`t see myself saying, its too quiet, you know what`d be nice? Noise.
Dear person reading this, just want you to know that someone cares about you. It`s not me, but I`m sure someone does...
Retirement plans compared .. If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00. With Enron, you would have $16.50 left of the original $1000. With WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left. If you had purchased $1000.00 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have $49.00 left. If you had purchased United Airlines, you would have nothing left. But, if you had purchased $1000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for recycl
My grocery cart right now says ” I’m getting drunk and doing laundry tonight!” And also. “I like fruit.”
There`s only one kind of exercise I know and its the beer run.
My neighbors listen to AC/DC at 6:00 every morning. Whether they like it or not...