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I am busier than a one legged man in an arse kicking contest.
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream. Bring it.
"Hot singles in your area want nothing to do with you." -Honest spam
I Don’t answer text messages right when I get them so I don’t seem desperate. Then, I forget about them and never respond.
I feel like there should be more breakfast beers on the market.
My secret fantasy is to have two women at the same time, one cooking and one cleaning.
Every day can be Friday if you`re really irresponsible.
Stalin should have known communism doesn`t work. There were red flags everywhere.
If you think my status updates are ridiculous you should see my life choices
Today is that day where anything you read online could be totally made up. Oh, wait, that`s every day.
It`s so awkward when you get texted to come over and you have to pretend like you weren`t already inside their house.
I`ve reached the age where happy hour is a nap.
I read that taking a long, hot bath can help with managing stress. Unfortunately my boss doesn`t approve.
There`s nothing like the laughter of a baby....unless you`re home alone at 1 am...and you don`t have children...
Some people are good listeners. Mostly, though, they`re just nodding and thinking about bacon.