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This debt collector was just so surprised I answered my phone that they stuttered and hung-up lmao!!
You say `pervert with a telescope` ... I say `biological astronomer`.
Why I don’t like people: 1% logical reasons. 99% just because.
I think my front door faces the wrong direction. People keep finding it.
Whenever someone invites me to their home and I see more than 3 cars parked outside, I keep driving just in case it`s an intervention.
Dear neighbor mowing your yard this morning, I found my bagpipes for tonight.
Every so often I’ll listen to my wife talk non stop for hours at a time, to remind myself why people wander into traffic without looking.
If history has taught us anything, it’s that reheated french fries are gross.
Hey people who say I am boring and not interesting; FYI the police just called saying they want to talk to me because I am "a person of interest"
Sex is like pizza, if you`re going to use bbq sauce you better know what the f*ck you`re doing
I put the b!tch in the kitchen.~ last thing I remember saying before I woke up in the hospital.
Uhm, excuse me waiter... I`d like to return my food. It only received 5 likes on Instagram.
I wish that some of my coworkers were not allowed in the break room because those are the people I need a break from.
Why are there no owls here? I Was lead to believe there would by owls here. #hooters
Some people you know was dropped on their heads as babies. Some were clearly thrown in the air, hit the ceiling fan, bounced off the wall and fell out the window.