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Oh, he uses you for sex? Stop bitching…Sex is awesome. Complain when he’s using you for laundry….. or a human shield.
Imagine how freaked out the first human must of been on the first sneeze.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself was clearly never married.
Women have all the answers, to all of your questions, and you don`t even have to ask.
If a man doesn`t drink when he`s living, how in the hell can he drink when he`s dead?
Apparently there is no age limit on ignorance.
My anaconda really doesn`t care if you got buns or not.
My idea of getting lucky is having someone else do the laundry.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I`d like to read a medication bottle that says, "May cause extreme sexiness".
Candy Crushers keep inboxing me saying that they need "lives" as if I didn`t already know that.
You see a mouse trap, I see free cheese and a challenge. ;)
What idiot called him Alexander Graham Bell instead of Lord of the Rings
“I wonder how much weight I’ve lost.” -Me, after eating one healthy meal.
As I get older, I`ve learned to relax and not stress over trivial matters. Just kidding, I`m drunk.
Gravity didn`t seem this strong twenty-five years ago.