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My kids think I`m uncool like I thought my parents where. Time to get even! ;)
I got kicked out of my Community Theater group when the director asked to see me limp. How was I to know he was talking about walking??
If you`re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
I failed the emergency broadcast test. My apologies to all the employees I shoved to the ground while screaming
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling "woo hoo", but after that my schedule is wide open
When you are dead, you don`t know you are dead but other people do. The same is true when you are stupid.
I don`t drink these days. I`m allergic to alcohol and narcotics. I break out in handcuffs.
Dont you find it Funny that after Monday(M) and Tuesday(T), the rest of the week says WTF?
Never run after a man or a bus, there is always another one coming.
What am I taking to the Family Thanksgiving feast? Tupperware.
Pro tip: Go the the gym on one of those 1 day free passes, take 365 selfies then post one every day.
The only time I’ve passionately knocked everything off a table was when I was trying to make room for a pizza.
A friend like you is worth a million dollars. So, if you don’t mind…can I sell you?
"I’m definitely going to do that tomorrow.” — Me being delusional
Handy tip for new parents : Wake up your baby by gently resting your head on a pillow.