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It`s amazing how much people are willing to lower their eating standards when you insert the word "free" in front of the word "food".
Funniest thing ever heard on TV. "Ward, you were a little hard on the Beaver last night"
Considering I`m broke, I wonder if she`ll let me be her sugar-free daddy.
You are wasting your time reading this status.
If intelligent people don’t start having babies as fast as the trash in “honey boo boo”, we’re headed for a very dumb future. Am I the only one that sees this?!
Just noticed there`s no comma in "Bed Bath & Beyond" and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
My wife thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m awesome because I have the bread.
To the woman with six screaming kids in Walmart, if you wonder how those condoms got in your cart, you’re welcome.
"I know im the best driver on the road" thinks every guy.
Therapy has taught me that it is all your fault.
I told my girlfriend to get me a newspaper. Dont be silly, she replied. Borrow my iPad. That spider never knew what f*cking hit it.
If someone throws a rock at you, throw a flower back at them, but, make sure the flower is still in the pot..
Have you ever ate something so good that you do a little happy dance while your eating it?
I`d tell you to go to hell, but I work there and I don`t wanna see you everyday.
Forgotten pocket money is the best!