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Honk if you are reading this.
Secretly adding a tablespoon of butter to everything he eats is my long-term exit plan.
Maybe the reason Uncle Phil hated Will was because the first thing Will gave him was a $3700 cab ride bill from Philly to Bel-Air.
I enjoy long walks away from responsibility.
If I drunk text you and you`re sleeping, don`t text me in the morning. That ship has sailed.
I once dated a girl with a parrot. The thing was crazy and never shut up! The parrot was cool though.
I was planning to do something today, but I haven’t finished doing nothing from yesterday.
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn`t have toilet paper with aloe.
I wonder if anyone has watched Storage Wars and said, "Hey, that`s my stuff!"?
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is. She`s not dead, just very condescending.
I think the Worst Part about admitting you are an Alcoholic ..is People expect you to Quit Drinking.
If my house is clean, it means that Facebook is not working.
Why is it called a menstrual calendar and not a flow chart?
In the word "scent" is it the s that is silent or the c?
Why is "Pissed" an expression of being upset? I`ve never been so mad that I pee`d myself.