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Maybe early risers just aren’t as awesome at sleeping as I am.
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
My imaginary friend is bullying me.
I used to like my neighbours, until they put a password on their Wi-Fi
Are headaches the result of time spent with woman or is it purely a coincidence?
When I got divorced, we split the house. I got the outside....
Depression is just your body`s way of saying it needs more orgasms.
Sorry I`m late, I didnt want to come
When I grow up I wanna be a psychiatrist for the mentally insane...so i can find out what the hell is wrong with you people
Do you think regular dogs see police dogs and think, “Oh crap! It’s the cops!”?
Hard liquor because I don`t don`t have time or patience to sit around drinking 9 bottles of wine every day
My opinion of yoga pants varies depending on if I`m at the gym or if I`m at Wal-Mart or at Taco Bell.
Since light travels faster than sound, isn`t that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
A fun way to "Break up" is to tell them to "Go long" and then never throw them the football.
Why get married? Just pick a girl you hate and buy her a house.