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Life lesson: you never have to feel ashamed of anything you buy as long as you buy a birthday card at the same time
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
Old meaning of sorry. "I won`t do it again." New meaning of sorry. "Damn I got caught, next time I need to be more careful."
I do marathons ... on Netflix.
Ways to tell a woman is mad at you: 1. She is silent. 2. She is yelling. 3. She acts different. 4. She acts the same. 5. She kills you.
You only live once is the most reassuring thing I`ve ever heard.
Today, my wife asked "would you still love me if I was ugly and fat." "Yes, honey I do." was not the right answer.
In the 60`s we took LSD to make the world look wierd. Now the world is weird and we take Prozac to make it look normal.
If my house is clean, it means that Facebook is not working.
YOU WANNA PIECE OF THIS!?!?! ~me, aggressively handing out cake
Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
When you`re a kid, it makes you feel proud when someone says "Wow! You`ve gotten so big since the last time I saw you!" As an adult, not so much.
Elevators are so stupid. They have a button for the floor I`m already on.
For once I would like to see a horoscope that says, "You`re totally f*cked this month"
The real reason I’m not a superhero…. Pockets, I need my pockets.