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What idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles?
I like restaurants because the people have to be nice and feed you.
Matchbooks exist just to be clues in detective movies.
There’s nothing better than a nap after a good nights sleep.
Why do medications always have side effects like `anal leakage` & `suicidal thoughts`? Why not `invisibility` or `spontaneous orgasms`?
Is it too early for extra nog in my egg?
Renewed my "Man Card" today, by going out in the cold, drizzly weather to cut firewood. In other news, police are investigating sightings of a chainsaw wielding maniac in the my area. I hope the catch that nut job!
Dear Cashier: Stop giving me attitude and acting like your job is so complicated and stressful. Self-Checkout has proven that you are really unnecessary.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
I’m glad we don’t have to hunt for our food any more. I don’t even know where sandwiches live...
Got a paper cut turning the pages in my self-defense book.
Once again its friday I know its only been 7 days since the last one but feels like its been a week....
The only time I’ve passionately knocked everything off a table was when I was trying to make room for a pizza.
My goal weight is,"someone give that girl a cheeseburger."
This bottle of beer is not only delicious,,,, It also contains almost 10% of my daily requirement of beer...