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Diet goal: I want to lose just enough so that my hand will fit comfortably in a Pringles can...
You`ve reached the limitations of my medications.
Call me crazy, but I don`t think I really need to be in this mental institution.
I had 3 happy meals today and none of them worked.
Someone told me I`m immature and need to grow up. Guess who`s not allowed in my treehouse now.
I suspect my gravestone will have a pretty serious urine discoloration not long after I`m gone.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
Iām not a biologist but Iām pretty sure the difference between a moth and a butterfly is that a moth is really ugly.
Ever update an app and realize the "fixed issues" were all a lie and it will never be the same? That`s what going back to an ex is like.
The color 9 is my favorite letter.
I`m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it`s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I`m still better than you.
If you don`t have anything nice to say, put it all on social networks
I just assume I do everything wrong since I don`t have a wife to confirm it.
Every time I lose some weight, I find it again in the refrigerator.
There are sick days, paid holidays, and vacation days. What about "Don`t have any gas to make it to work days"