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Will be drunk until further notice.
People who text back... "kk" ... Are so annoying! ....and almost racist
How long do I have to sleep before I`m legally a bear?
Some marriages end up fine, the others last forever.
I scream, You scream, We all scream, Because grandpa forgot his hearing aids again.
New documentary movie about white trash ... I only saw the trailer...
Money may not buy happiness but it can certainly improve the quality of your misery
It`s so awkward when you get texted to come over and you have to pretend like you weren`t already inside their house.
Before telling me to listen to my heart you may want to check that it isn`t telling me to kick you in the shin!
Making good decisions doesn’t really go with my outfit.
I’m holding cheerleader tryouts for my fantasy football team.
Being fabulous all day makes me really, really tired
"Are u going to the circus?" is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife`s question: "how does my make-up look?"
Tip to reduce weight, first turn your head to the left and then turn it to the right. Repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat.
I wonder who the first person was to see an egg come out of a chickens butt and think...`That looks tasty, I`m gonna eat that.`