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I once found a whip, a mask, a baton and handcuffs in my Mother-in-Law`s draw... who knew she was a superhero. Nice!!!
You`d think my boss would know me by now and stop asking me everyday if I`ve been drinking.
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I`m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
I wish we had staff meetings in the garden. The plants would`ve love the fertilizer.
I put a dollar in one of those change machines once. Nothing changed.
Nothing makes you feel more insignificant than still having 85% battery at noon.
One of my favorite discoveries about adulthood is that there are literally no rules stopping you from eating an entire row of Oreos at once.
was on the treadmill for over an hour and I must say it is much easier with roller blades
Hey dumb a$$. Not everything I post pertains to you. Just the stuff that starts with Hey dumb a$$.
am updating my status just to let you know my status has no status
The toughest part of a diet isn’t watching what you eat…It’s watching what other people eat.
If you want to see exactly how angry a person can get, tell them to "calm down" when they`re already pissed off.
Best thing to do when you`re stuck in a group text is to to throw your phone in the street and start a new life and maybe get some chipotle
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them
Scariest Moment: Flushing the toilet at someone else’s house, and seeing the water rise…