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Multi-tasking: the art of screwing up everything all at once.
Just watched a woman in front of me walk face first into a telephone pole because she was too busy looking at her phone. I could’ve given her a heads up, but then I wouldn’t have been able to watch her walk face first into the telephone pole.
Dear shaving commercials, stop shaving hairless legs. If you want impress us, please shave a gorilla.
I`m changing my voicemail greeting to: Please hang up and text me, thanks. ;)
Boobs, because you can`t motorboat a personality.
It’s all fun and games until they reply to your text with a phone call.
Guess what`s brown and sticky... a stick.
I always tell the person at the drive-thru that they are so much prettier than I pictured them when I was ordering.
I swear if my memory gets any worse, i`ll be able to plan my own surprise party.
I use a blender to make protein shakes in my office every day. That way when I use it to mix up a pitcher of margaritas no one even notices.
That awkward moment when you take a bath in the middle of the day and don`t know whether to wear normal clothes or pajamas.
I think it’s funny when dogs hide under the bed when they’re scared. I’m like “you idiot, that’s the first place monsters go!
Well if you didn`t want me to fall in love with you, why did you tell me you had nachos?
Procrastination: when "make a bucket list" is on your bucket list.
I’m actually a really nice guy once you get to blow me.