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I got called pretty today! Well actually the full statement was "you`re pretty annoying!" But I only focus on positive things
Today`s secret word is "epic". When someone says the secret word scream real loud and punch them in the face.
When your mother asks you if you`re sexually active, the correct response is: "No, I just lie there."
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
If you like someone, pretend they`re a charger and you`re an iPhone on 1%. Run to them. Grab them. Plug them in. Wait, I lost the metaphor.
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
When people with multiple personality disorders are about to die, whose life flashes before their eyes?
You can tell yourself that Sesame Street is educational but Cookie Monster has lived there for like 40 years and still can`t conjugate verbs.
"Is that for here or to go?" —Real estate agent selling a mobile home
Shall I compare thee to a Summer`s Eve? For thou art a douche.
I have a fear of elevators, but I have an even greater fear of exercise.
HANGOVER!!!!! it`s God`s way of sayin "u kicked a$$ last night"
Unless your kid`s fundraiser is selling booze, I want no part of it.
I stopped paying my car payments to concentrate on my dream of appearing on a Repo show.
When your wife says she needs a new broom it`s best not to ask if she broke the last one in a crash landing.