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On my tombstone I want it to say: ‘I didn’t forward the text message to 15 friends.” ;)
I spend a lot of time holding the refrigerator door open looking for the answer.
Ask your doctor if walking blindly into traffic is right for you
All the women moaning about finding a husband obviously never had one.
I have no interest in skydiving. I get enough of an adrenaline rush hoping my credit card goes through
I always tell my kids that it`s ok to make mistakes as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
Today`s Horoscope: You`re gullible.
Targeted ads are trying to sell me a new mattress nowadays. With how much Google knows about me you`d think they`d cap themselves at something like $5 footlongs or stationary.
The older I get the more use I have for the phrase "bite me."
It turns out that 3 is the amount of times you can suck on your dentist`s finger before she stops believing that you`re doing it accidentally.
My leadership experience is pretty much limited to those three consecutive days in first grade when I was line leader.
Happy Fat Tuesday! Join me again tomorrow on I`m still fat Wednesday
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he’ll probably be like, “Hey, remember when you used to just give me fish?”
People who say they suffer from constipation are usually full of sh!t.