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If you try and don´t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn`t just "lay in bed and watch TV all day" I traveled very far thank u
Make sure your goals are unattainable so you`ll feel a little better about giving up later
My wife wants to have more kids but I don`t want to have to learn anyone else`s name.
Life would be so much better if throughout the day we encountered randomly placed Piñatas
Law enforcement`s cracking down on texting while driving, but there`s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
That awkward moment when you realise you have way more internet friends than real friends.
People should be required to pay an extra dollar for every syllable of their coffee order.
I once wrestled an anaconda for 4 straight hours... Then I realized I was just masturbating.
Watch out! It’s quite possible some of my best mistakes haven’t been made yet.
I`ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I`m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule
I don`t mean to brag... but I`m a pretty damn good peek-a-boo opponent
What kind of downward spiral would cause a person to "like" cream cheese on Facebook?
The best part about growing old with you is that I`ll always be the younger one.