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Women are like bacon: They look good, They smell good, They taste good, And they will kill you slowly.
The Home Alone house is up for sale for 2.4 mil. I’d pay 2.5 (if I had it) just so I could say, “Keep the change you filthy animal.”
I remember, once upon a time... for about 2 seconds... about 13 years ago... I almost gave a damn.
This empty wallet looks like I`ll be laughing obnoxiously at some guy`s awful jokes in a bar tonight.
I always see more people walking into Sam`s Club than out of Sam`s Club, but the meat`s cheap, so I don`t ask questions.
Given the places I`ve had my tongue, no we cannot "just be friends".
The overspray from my windshield washer fluid just totaled a smart car.
If you`re going take a bathroom picture, at least clean it off. I can`t see anything through all the toothpaste.
This by far is your most f*ck up idea ever ... I`ll be there in 10 minutes.
When I was a kid I remember I fell asleep in the couch and woke up in the bed, now I fall asleep in the couch and wake up on the floor.
8 more days and I will finally get rid of last years Halloween candy.
Word for today: Dipshidiot
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it`s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can`t really touch anything.
I have some jokes about unemployment but they need some work.
The older I get, the more I understand someone`s desire to just say-"F*ck it. I`m going to be drunk all the time & live under this bridge."