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I thought we had something. You met my family, made us dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
*Me washing my car* Person: Hey what’s up? Washing your car? Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
I love hearing rumors about me...that`s how I find out what I`ve been doing.
First world problems: I couldn’t hear the TV so I had to stop eating chips.
Guess what I saw today? ... Everything I looked at.
There is no such thing as failure. There are only results.
I don`t always get to drink free beer... But I just happen to know my neighbor went to the night shift, and I saw him filling his fridge today.
"Well that can`t be right." - dogs watching us catching balls with our hands
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away
I`ve reached the age where happy hour is a nap.
Coffee eyedrops! Another million dollar idea.
Trying to untwist a twizzler is a real b*tch and this gas station cashier yelling at me isn`t helping.
I don’t necessarily believe in karma, but I’m gonna be extra careful crossing the street after this weekend.
I`m painting a blue square in the backyard... so Google Earth thinks I have a pool.
If Milli Vanilli were to fall in the woods, would someone else make a sound?