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Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
I may not have the best parenting skills; but, in my defense, my kids don`t have the best childing skills, either.
Please either stop being so attractive or make out with me, it`s your choice.
I`m all over that like a fat kid on a Smarty
Your secret is safe with me as long as it`s boring.
That awkward moment, when you wake up with one sock on.
The three most terrifying words a woman can utter to a man are "notice anything different?"
My doctor wrote me a prescription for dailysex but my girlfriend insists it says dyslexia.
I don`t like selfish people. I saw this guy pushing like 50 carts at Wal-mart last night. Really? You think someone else might want one?
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That`s where I come in.
I`ve said it before and I`ll say it again: it before
I love finding money in my clothes. It’s like a gift to me ... from me.
Siri, where are my pants?
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying "get a load of this guy" every time someone walked in