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I`ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she`s a woodpecker.
I hope I’m the last guy on earth — I wanna see if all those women were lying to me.
I used to dream about becoming an astronaut. Now I just dream that there`s still time before the alarm goes off.
You know you`re up really late at night when you turn on ESPN and 2 white guys are boxing!
Age has its advantages. Too bad I can`t remember what they are.
New kitchen game: `Fridge and Cupboard Tetris`- Putting the possibility of being pummeled by a food avalanche on a whole new level of adventure.
The Swiss must`ve been pretty confident in their chances of victory if they included a corkscrew in their army knife.
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
I saw a baby wearing a bib that said, “This dumbass put my cape on backwards”
I prefer not to think before I speak. I like being just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.
There was a spider in my bathtub so I got a tissue and very carefully burned the house down.
This Halloween, the only Candy I`m interersted in swings from a pole and has daddy issues
To all those that now have a DUI, domestic violence charge or one less finger... Happy 5th of July
I am not particularly bad at cooking but how long is pasta supposed to stay in the toaster ?
"it`s the thought that counts" doesn`t include showering. You have to actually do that.