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Honesty is the best policy, unless you`re trying to return something that you`ve already worn.
Why didn`t Spider-Man`s enemies just move to a city without skyscrapers?
If I go missing this holiday season and there’s a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at the gym.
The older I get the more I understand Squidward`s anger.
they say "money cant buy happiness" but money pays for my internet connection and my vodka so im thinking maybe "they" are wrong
I don`t plan anything as well as I plan which alcoholic beverage I`m going to consume once I leave work.
Let me just flip this here omelette.... aaaaaand I`m having scrambled eegs
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
Sometimes it’s just better to buy new Tupperware than to risk opening the leftovers.
Was hating my job until I drove past a grown man dressed as a Taco on the side of the road. Thanks again Perspective.
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
To all my ex girlfriends. Don`t worry. I`m still an asshole.
At times I wish I had a clone, but then I realize, I could never live with that a$$hole.
People who say you can´t buy happiness just don´t know where to shop.
I was worried my notifications had stopped working but luckily I’m just unpopular.