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What`s a burnt pizza, frozen beer & a pregnant girl have in common? There was a DUMBASS who didn`t take it out in time.
My neighbor`s are going out of town for the weekend so I finally have the house to myself.
3 bottles of bleach: $15.00. One rope, 3 rolls of duct tape, and a shovel: $35.00. 3 boxes of trash bags: $10.00. The look on the cashier`s face: Priceless!
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
Twerking is just shaking your a$$? Why did we need a new word? A$$-shaking has served us well for centuries.
I don`t believe in karma, but I do believe in punching people in the face.
I`d like to give a big shout-out to all my hard of hearing friends!
Wife fell asleep on the couch so I drew a spider on her glasses with dry erase marker. And now we wait...
When someone tells you they are getting a divorce, a high five is not the right answer. Or so I`ve been told, twice now.
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
I just had a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world. I told them to F off!! Anybody who fits into my clothes isn`t starving!!
Sometimes all you need is a hug or someone to tell you everything will be ok, or some rough sex or whatever....
Got a paper cut turning the pages in my self-defense book.
I wish "You idiot" was an appropriate way to end a work email.
Running behind is my cardio.