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All the noises I used to make during sex, I now make getting up in my truck.
I`m surprised more killers haven`t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
Was disappointed when I watched the films Shaft, XXX, X-Men, In To Deep, Snatch, The Box, Free Willy. None of them were what I expected...
Dating someone based only on looks is so shallow. Consider other things, like, do they have a lot of money.
Ebay is really getting worse and worse to use. Yesterday I searched for a cigarette lighter. I got 3,974, 601 matches...
Sorry about last night texts. My phone was drunk.
Everything is a boomerang if you throw it upwards.
Some days should come with a warning label: This day is going to suck, bring alcohol.
I`ve got a Tootsie Pop and seven hours until the aviary notices their Spotted Owl is missing. Let`s do this!
A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well as afterward.
If your online dating profile says "I don`t have sex on the first date" then that`s why you`re on a dating website.
You ever want to just grab someone and say, WTF is wrong with you?
There`s not much more gratifying than seeing a chick who thinks she`s super hot trip on her high heels.
Sometimes saying "F*ck it" is the best decision.