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not to brag but I finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
I want my next girl to be crazy but more "Lets have sex in public" crazy rather than "I throw hot coffee in your face" crazy.
If your girlfriend claims to never look at your Facebook profile, change your status to "single" and wait 5 minutes.
18 is TOO young to get married! You can`t even buy booze at 18! If you can`t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
Today is the first day of the rest of your life, but so was yesterday, and look how that turned out...
Social Media Awkwardness: When people "like" a relationship status of being single by your ex instead of yours.
You know that chick who said, "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?"... Yeah, well I ate her.
Never look at your beer as half-empty. Look at it as you’re halfway to your next beer.
If I don`t remember what I did, don`t ruin it for me by reminding me.
My dog is a typical guy, I talk to him and he’s all wagging his tail, but I know he’s not listening. I get it ladies.
Who named the walkie talkie and why isn`t the vacuum called the pushy sucky?
It`s damn funny when a wife think`s she`s punishing her husband by not talking to him for days..
If at first you don`t succeed, find out where she lives.
Life is not like a box of chocolates. It`s more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today might burn your a$$ tomorrow.
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.