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Live today like it`s your last!! But pay your bills and use a condom just in case it isn`t.
It`s crazy that your brain can calculate where to put your hand to catch a 98 mph fastball... But won`t keep your mouth shut when a woman is angry
Has anyone donated any money to ALS? All these ice bucket challenges I been seeing makes me think ... you all some cheap bastards
A plus side to being my friend is that you can come to my house in your pajamas and I won’t judge you because I too will be in my pajamas.
Everyone wants you to "be honest" until you tell them how much they suck.
I`m trying to cut back on posting pics to Instagram, so I`m not going to eat anymore.
Dear Cashier: Stop giving me attitude and acting like your job is so complicated and stressful. Self-Checkout has proven that you are really unnecessary.
My level of sarcasm is to a point where I don’t even know if I’m kidding or not.
Most problems can be solved with nudity.
My girlfriend left a note on the fridge, "It`s not working. I cant take it anymore, I`m going to moms" I opened the fridge, the light came on, the beer was cold, WTF is she talking about?
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat And then I realized that he can`t even afford a washer or a dryer
Im not fat I´m just easier to see
People without kids: I`ll never yell at my kids ... People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD, JUST WALK!
There should be a mercy rule for how many pics a girl can upload from her vacation.
It`s only a matter of time until "Security cameras of Wal-Mart" become a hit reality show.