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If you need help moving I am one hundred percent there for you emotionally.
I`m trying to be healthy and grow my own food but I can`t find any Twinkie seeds. :/
Some days your the bug; some days your the windshield.
Offering someone food and secretly hoping they say no.
Having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes and leave your house...
The only difference between sex and breakfast is sometimes I don`t want breakfast.
The worst part of Aquaman`s day has to be, when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
I keep an identical glass of vodka next to the glass of water on my bedside table for a refreshing morning game of Russian Roulette
The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they`re going to be when you kill them.
Girls, dont read this please: Hey guys, isn`t it funny how our wives/or girlfirends really think that we care what they did that day? lol.....it never gets old.
I don`t have a drinking problem. If anything, I`m TOO good at it.
B!tches be trippin ... OK, maybe I pushed one.
Always look your best, cause you never know when your family is going to surprise you with an intervention.
in wine there is wisdom. in beer there is freedom. in water there is... umm bacteria
change your birthday on facebook to today, see how many people say happy birthday for APRIL FOOLS!!!! lol