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I got called pretty today! Well actually the full statement was "you`re pretty annoying!" But I only focus on positive things
Ain’t no sandwich when she’s gone.
The worst part about looking for a job is if you`re successful, you end up with a job.
Some people, even in photos, just look like they smell horrible.
When I get bored I go to a car dealership and ask the salesman to lay in the trunk so I can "see how many I`ll be able to fit".
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
I miss times when I was working at the zoo... my boss fired me just because I left the lion`s gate open.... I mean who would steal a lion
My online dating profile is just a picture of my ex-wife and the words "NOT THIS."
We all need that special person in our lives that makes it worth while to shave our pubes.
When I was on the plane the stewardess asked, do you need some headphones? I said, Hell Yeah, but how did you know my name was Phones?
I didn`t fall. The floor just needed a hug.
Clearly skinny jeans are easier to obtain than skinny genes
It takes patience to listen. It takes skill to pretend you’re listening.
Learned a lesson from my dog tonight ... No matter what life brings you, kick some grass over that sh1t and move on.
Nothing says you mean business more than putting on a bib before you eat a girl out