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Maybe I`m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
So glad my face doesn’t have a progress bar that shows how much I’m understanding what other people are saying.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
If anyone every texts me “who is this” I always respond “Jake from state farm”
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don`t get married. If you are over 35, don`t get married. If you are 35, don`t get married.
Whenever I see a happy couple.... smiling, giggling, feeding each other food, whispering sweet nothings, very much in love..... I just wish I could give them a lie-detector test.
Why do guys cheat on pretty girls with ugly ones...?
Pretty soon you`ll be able to get married online, instead of saying "I do" you will have to click "I agree to these terms and conditions."
The key to a successful relationship: Tools > Internet Options > Clear history.
what happends when chemists pass away...We Barium.
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn`t stop that murder.
I`d like to share my innermost thoughts and feelings with all of you, but I`m afraid they`ll be used against me in a court of law someday.
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it.
I just want you to be happy. And naked.
One of these days I’ll realize that leaning forward in my car while accelerating does not make it go any faster.