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I am sorry I had feelings. I`ll replace them with jokes right away.
On the bright side, all that coal will keep me warm this winter.
Yes Grandma, I`m almost positive Arachnophobia is not the fear of people from Iraq
A “buttload” of underwear would be exactly one pair.
My walk of shame is when I have to take all the the empty Taco Bell bags out of my car and bring them to the garbage can.
My give a damn is busted! Parts on backorder....
My wife told me, "I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me." I said, "You have perfect eyesight."
I bought a huge plastic Christmas tree today! the shop assistant asked me if I was going to put it up myself? I told him "Don`t be stupid, i`m gonna put it in the lounge room"
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
I bet giraffes don`t even know what farts smell like.
Currently helping my son search for his chocolate that I ate last night.
What`s this g-mail? I just got used to e-mail. And why did they skip f-mail?
At least a stalker is there for you.
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
Mosquito`s and parking inspectors must be from the same family...