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And then her mood ring just...exploded
Any of you girls wanna come over tonight for pizza and sex? ... I`m just kidding. There`s no pizza.
Coffee : Starter fluid for the morning impaired.
By the power vested in me and by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
If you can´t say anything nice ... we´re probably related.
These techno songs last longer than my first marriage
That awkward moment for a guy when he`s at a urinal stall and another guy takes the stall right next to him when there`s plenty of other perfectly good stalls farther away..
All I want is some ketchup packets placed in the bag, without having to ask!
The hardest job in the world must be working in a bubble wrap factory. Can you imagine the self control that is required?
Actually, when I went to New Orleans, I blacked out too.
If you are not sweating while doing it...then you are doing it wrong.
You’d think my password was “yourmom” because my computer just told me it was too easy.
My version of Heaven would be filled with all the things I`d probably go to hell for.
my girlfriend asked me to go to the store and pick her up 50 shades of grey, she was pretty mad when i brought home 50 tubes of lipstick.
If we`re in a situation where I am the "voice of reason," then we are in a very very bad situation.