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At first, I had my doubts about using autocorrect. But my new phone probed me wrong. PROVED DAMNIT! PROVED!
I`ve gotten to that age where nothing fits right anymore. Even my birthday suit looks like it needs ironing...
I think its nice my vacuum cleaner has head lights. Just in case I wanna wake up in the middle of the night and clean in the dark, or wake up my dog making him think he’s getting hit by a
Scientists are dumb. A meteor didn`t kill the dinosaurs. I`ve been to the museum. It`s obvious they starved to death.
My Boss requested me on facebook. I was like "pssst". If only he knew all the sh*t I post about his ugly @$$.
My life is a very complicated drinking game
I know karate, jujitsu, judo, taekwondo and 28 other dangerous words. Still wanna` mess with me?
People who have more than 10 items in the express line… We see you and we are judging you.
The saddest thing about St. Patrick`s Day is taking down all my Christmas decorations.
Some parts of the world use Facebook to overthrow evil dictators. Me? I just want you all to know how delicious my sandwich is.
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the adult version of hiding your report card from your parents.
One day, we will look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.
In life, you only need two tools - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn`t move but should, use the WD-40. If it should not move and does, use the duct tape
Don`t refer to them as voices in your head. Do as the professionals and call them your `team of writers`
Ladies, wonder if he`s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.