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There may be no excuse for laziness, but I’m still looking.
Never take a laxative and a sleeping aid on the same night. dont ask me why.
How do amish girls know if its a romantic candle lit dinner or just a regular candle lit dinner.
Just burned 2000 calories. That`s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I take a nap.
I enjoy long romantic walks to the fridge.
Do you ever just sit there and think “why am I not rich”?
I wouldn`t be surprised if my kids think the phrase "goddamn douchebag" means someone who pulls out in front of your car without signaling.
Hot singles in your area are dating each other while you sit alone staring at your phone.
Life is like a bowl of soup; you only get blown if you`re hot.
Leaving the house on a Monday morning would be so much cooler if someone would yell "Aaaaand Action!" as I walk out the door.
Why don`t family members send me money for my birthday anymore? I need it now more than when I was 7
If you`re looking for happiness, walk to your nearest liquor store.
I`m in no shape to exercise patience!
Before I stalk someone, I follow them around for a while...Cause you know, what if they`re not worth it?
"Always leave them wanting more" is my new mantra when paying bills.