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Your kid is running around the store screaming at the top of his lungs annoying everyone and I`m the a$$hole for tripping him?
To a woman, sexual harassment is when a man makes advances towards her. If a woman makes advances towards a man, we call that getting lucky.
I feel so stupid for cashing in my retirement account early. But then I always feel stupid using the Coinstar machine.
Remember the good old days when LOL meant "Laugh out loud" and not "I can`t think of a good reply"?
If you think the things I say out loud are bad, you should hear the things I keep to myself.
A golden rule to live by: Never do anything that you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics!
All the coffee beans in South America can`t make me a morning person.
I like to walk around the house naked. Until the cops chase me back inside.
Yo! My friend won a trip to China. He´s out there now... trying to win a trip back.
In terms of procrastination, I`ve had a very productive day.
Smile, it´s the second best thing you can do with your lips.
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it`s fun to push things down the stairs.
In my experience, temporary insanity can last a long time.
The best two kinds of beer in this world are....Cold & Free..
Grammar is important! Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your Uncle jack off a horse.