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Saw a post stating "taking it one day at a time," so I responded "me too. That`s how days work."
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
I`m more confused than a valet parking attendant at a Mary Kay convention.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
I got drunk last night and my house wasn`t where I left it.
Missed the gym yesterday.... That makes 11 years in a row.
Don’t trust people that dislike pizza. They’re probably not human.
Marijuana is a type of flower, therefore I am a florist not a drug dealer :p
To honor Thanksgiving this month I will be calling every one Pilgrim instead of Dude or Bro-- Fair warning
I was going to exercise this morning, but then all the sprinkles would fall off my cupcake.
My career plans were much more exciting when I was 5
I hate mosquitoes, I mean I know I’m delicious but damn.
I always dress up when I try to cook. The odds of me starting a fire are pretty high and I want to make sure I look good for the firemen.
I never used to mind my wife hitting me in the face as she climaxed until I found out she was faking it.
You can either wear granny panties OR yoga pants - not both. Pick one.