Daily Silly Status

What kind of paperwork do I need to fill out to get a permit to set my children free in the wild?

I`m sticking to my guns ... I really should have washed my hands after I ate.

No one asks the tough questions, like why are drug dealers on the metric system?

Live life to its fullest even if that means eating everything in the fridge

Can only please one person a day. Today isn’t your day

The best things in life can`t be seen or touched. At least, that`s what the restraining order says.

I must have a great butt because every time I finish talking with someone and start to walk away, I hear them whisper "What an a$$."

Sometimes, when I wake up in the morning, I`ll read 4 or 5 status updates and I`ll cry, because I relieze how dysfunctional some of my friends life`s are. but then I`ll smile when I remember things like the leftover pizza from last night sitting on the coffee table!

When I see a hot girl walking by, I like to look at her and blink very fast and repeatedly so it looks like shes walking in slow motion. Everything is better in slow motion =)

According to serving sizes tonight, I`m a family of 4.

Is food porn star a thing yet??

Thanks to yesterday`s chili, I can definitively tell you that there are 242 tiles in this bathroom stall.

All my dance moves look like i`m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second

To the individual who sat outside in their car, across the street from our house, at 530 am and had Led Zepplens Immigrant Song blaring at full volume, I have one thing to say to you! AWESOME CHOICE DUDE!!!!!!!

Parenting tip: if you beat one child with the other child you can tell people they were just fighting. You`re welcome.