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I can not be held responsible for what my face does when you talk.
I will be posting telepathically today. So if you think of something funny, that was me.
I’ve been saving up my tickets for 27 years sir, and I would like to purchase this very chuck e cheese.
Let`s fix the obesity problem AND improve eye-hand coordination by replacing vending machines with claw machines, make people earn snacks.
Trying to figure out how to ask a girl on a first date of Netflix and pizza without sounding all serial killery
I love arguing with you so much, I`ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
Story of my life : 1. i wake up .... 2. i go to school.... 3. i see a girl .... 4. i run to her and kiss her.... Actually, the right order is 2,3,4,1 ..
Haircuts are great because I did none of the work but get all of the credit.
Depending on how you look at it, half of 8 could be 4, 3, or 0.
You’ll never get the same results running in place as you will running from a lion.
When someone says "Surprise me", I quickly drop my pants.
Bacon is the only exception that does not fall under the 5 second rule for dropped food.
Getting told I can`t do something gives me all the motivation I need to get things done.
When it comes to speaking Spanish I know the essentials. "Taco, nacho, burrito, cheeto, frito & no comprendo."
I can`t wait to miss the upcoming season of American Idol.