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I wish I had a dollar for every time I didn`t have a dollar.
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If you own a podium and put up a sign that says "valet" on it, can you just steal cars?
Before you decide to spend less time on social media... make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Hey pigs, stop trying to swallow entire apples. You keep dying!
I am addicted to Cold Turkey. Not sure how I will ever quit that one.
With all the technology available now, you’d think they’d have found a way to grow apples without those little stickers.
Beer is like sex. When it’s good it’s good…when it’s bad it’s still pretty good.
Sometimes Google should just come back with a message that says “trust me, you don’t want to know.”
Screaming out "BOOM PREGNANT!" during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
So last night I put a whopee cushion on moms chair, waited and finally heard it go off.. I walk in with a massive smile on my face to find out that she hadn`t even sat on it yet.
I don`t know about you....but I have thought about running away from home way more as an adult than I ever did as a kid.
I`m sure the guy standing at the urinal next to me, regrets wearing those flip flops today.
You’d think the chances of putting in a USB drive wrongside-up would be 50-50, but nope, 90-10.