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Who else has dropped the phone on their face while laying in bed reading Facebook?
I hit a new low today and used a cheat code on Wii Fit
Don`t worry about the grass on the other side. It`s not your grass.
My neighbour has diabetes and now she won`t make me cupcakes anymore, its like bad things always happen to me.
Sometimes Google should just come back with a message that says “trust me, you don’t want to know.”
Two drunk guys driving down the road, One says to the other "We must be getting closer to town!" The other guys says, "How can you tell?" He says "Were hitting more frickin people."
I don`t know what`s longer, a treadmill minute or a microwave minute.
Hooray ! My face book film has been nominated for an Academy Award
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Cheer Up. Right now, somebody, somewhere, is thinking about you naked.
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
Another successful year no random father`s day cards in the mail!
Personally, I think failure should be an option
Adam didn`t take any crap from Eve. He wore the plants in that relationship
People ask me why I don`t have tattoos. Seriously, would you put a bumper sticker on a Lambourghini?