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I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
Look, all I`m saying is, you never see Nikki Manaj and E.T. in the same place at the same time.
Unlike milk, it is perfectly ok to cry over spilled whiskey.
Do whatever you want. And if it’s something you’re going to regret in the morning…sleep late.
Cold? Try Netflix. You’ll still be cold, but you’ll be watching Netflix.
"mommy watch this!" is the toddler equivalent of "hold my beer and watch this"
I never make plans until I know how I am getting out of them.
Safe words are for quitters.
Thinking about staying in tonight? Nobody looks back in life and remembers the nights they got plenty of sleep.
I’m great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
Sometimes, the light at the end of the tunnel is just a lost guy with a flashlight.
This drag race is not at all what I expected. Are they in dresses inside of the cars, at least?
Share this if you know someone who is alive today simply because you don`t want to go to prison.
The general rule is that you shouldn`t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
morning i hate girls evening i need girls