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Hi, it’s me. I can’t get to the phone right now, even though it’s right here in my hand.
An apple a day is bullsh!t. Apples are dangerous. Just look at Eve, Snow White, Blackberry or any pig at a luau.
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they`re in the middle of a race.
I`m glad it`s finally hot enough to complain about how hot it is.
Much like a dog, men will pretty much do anything you want if you feed them first.
Patience Is When Playing TETRIS And U Let Those Bricks Fall On Their Own Without Speeding Them Down
Survival rule #1: Don`t go first.
My motto is "Never say never." Which makes it difficult to tell people my motto...
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous
Have I been drinking? Clearly officer, you`re no detective
"Nothing there? Better bark at it." - my dog
Kinda hard to believe not a single mutant at professor Xavier’s school had the power to heal a dude’s legs.
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.