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I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of a plane
Damn it. I missed the number of the day on Sesame Street and now I don`t know how many pills to take.
We still don`t know sh*t about that airplane. - NEWS
If you`re bored, wear a cape. Then you can be Super Bored
For all the taxes they take out of my paycheck they should at least send me a picture of the broke ass family I support to hang on my fridge.
While waiting for the right person, have fun with the wrong one.
There`s 3 ways to get something done: 1. Do it yourself, 2. Hire someone or 3. Forbid your kids to do it.
I`m sorry if I come across as crude, outspoken, and opinionated. That`s only because I am crude, outspoken, and opinionated.
I just went into an AOL chat room to ask someone how to start a fire with sticks.
Call me old fashioned but I prefer women with eyebrows made out of hair.
You think you love your family but suddenly there`s three of you and one remaining slice of pizza.
Secret Web Cam Test: Please nod your head yes if you can read this.
Friending someone on Facebook and complaining about what they post is like phoning someone to tell them you don’t want to talk to them.
After socializing and being nice to people all day it`s nice to sit down, drink by myself, and be an a$$hole on the Internet.
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times. Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic